Afraid to be happy

What are you afraid of?

To be happy

Why?

Because being happy was never safe.

That is a hard one. 

Yes.

To live searching for suffering to feel safe...

Yes, it is hard.

But ain’t a solution?

Yes, the practice.

Which practice?

The practice of joy.

The practice of joy?

Yes, the practice of joy just because.

Isn’t it scary?

Yes, it’s scary. But you gotta keep on; with fear, keep on. Bear being scared and do what does you good. Prioritize happiness.

Can you do it?

Yes, but it’s scary.

I see.

And does someone help you?

No, I help somebody.

Whom?

My inner child.

How?

Talking to her; asking how she feels; what she needs.

And she answers?

Yes.

And how do you know you are not making it up?

Trusting. Without faith there is nothing. No change. Everything remains the same.

What are the things that your child says for instance?

That she wants to have a cat; that she wants to dance; that she wants to paint; that she wants to travel.

And do you take those things into account?

Yes.

Does it help?

Enormously!

But who is the one who is afraid? You or your child?

Both of us. We are the same one. But I am the grown up part. I am here to take care of her; to protect her.

But you also have fear.

There is no point to deny it. What is not needed is to stop doing what you want because of fear. You cannot let fear do that to you; to freeze you.

And does it work?

Sometimes. Sometimes not. Every day I feel stronger though.

What is exactly what you do?

I feel the fear. I accept it. I accept my emotions.

And before?

I ran away. I didn’t want to feel them. I lived desperate thinking that there was something wrong with me. I thought I have to change: be another.

And how did this change?

Feeling all the accumulated pain and anger; crying; punching pillows; releasing all the negative emotions while telling to my child that I see how bad she had it and that she is right to feel that way. That from now on I will take care of her. That I love her and that she matters.

Pretty intense and beautiful work you have done.

Thanks.

And what is next?

To be happy.

Being simply happy?

Yes, being simply happy.

With fear?

Yes, sometimes with fear and sometimes without, until I get used to and convinced that to be happy is safe. Till being happy becomes my natural state of being.